Scared of Being Single in Your 30s? How to Get Comfortable Being Alone

Your friends are getting engaged. Your feed is wedding photos and baby announcements. Someone at a family dinner asks, again, whether you're seeing anyone.

And a quiet fear gets louder: What if it never happens for me?

If you're in your 30s and scared of being single, I want to say this first. The fear makes sense. It's also one of the riskiest things to bring into dating.

How fear of being alone changes who you pick

When you're afraid of being alone, your picker changes its question. It stops asking "Who do I want?" and starts asking "Who wants me?"

That's the non-functional end of the Picker spectrum. And it can look like:

• Staying long after you know he isn't right.
• Ignoring red flags because at least he's here.
• Settling for a situationship because something feels better than nothing.
• Shrinking your needs so you don't scare anyone off.
• Rushing into commitment with the first man who seems willing.

At some point you stop asking whether he's right for you. You just don't want to be alone or unchosen.

Fear is a terrible matchmaker.

Comfortable alone doesn't mean you stop wanting love

Getting comfortable being single isn't giving up. It isn't pretending you don't want a partner.

It means being alone stops feeling like an emergency. You can want love and still be okay without it right now.

That's when you can actually choose. When leaving the wrong man doesn't feel like falling off a cliff, you leave sooner. When you're not desperate to be chosen, you notice who really fits.

Comfort being alone is one of the things I help women build, because so much else gets easier once it's there.

How to get comfortable being single

In my method, the Shield is five areas of life that keep you strong enough to stay yourself while dating. They're also what make single life feel full instead of empty.

• Heart: know what you're building. What would you build if a partner weren't on the way? Start some of it now. A life with direction belongs to you either way.
• Environment: fill your life with people. Loneliness is a big part of what makes single feel scary. Invest in friends, family and community. Say yes to plans, and make some.
• Mind: practice being alone on purpose. Take yourself to dinner, a movie, a weekend away. Notice the discomfort and let it pass. It gets easier with practice.
• Body: take care of yourself because you live there. Move, rest and eat in ways that make you feel strong, not because you're getting ready for someone.
• Beauty: dress up for you. Wear the thing. Get the haircut. Feel attractive on your own terms, not only on date night.

What about the timeline?

If you want children, the clock can feel very real, and I won't pretend otherwise. Talk with your doctor about your options, so you're deciding from facts instead of fear.

But notice what fear does. It can rush you into a commitment with someone who isn't right, and that costs time too. Choosing the wrong person fast isn't faster.

As for the comments at family dinners and the comparisons online: your friends' timelines aren't yours. Someone else's engagement isn't proof that you're behind.

Try this: one solo plan a week

Once a week, make a plan with yourself and keep it. Coffee at a new place. A class. A long walk without your phone.

Afterward, notice what you enjoyed and what felt hard.

Keeping promises to yourself builds self-trust. And self-trust is what lets you ask "Who do I want?" instead of "Who wants me?"

Single isn't a verdict

Being single in your 30s isn't a sign that something is wrong with you. It's a season you can use.

The more you like your own life, the better you'll choose who gets to share it.

FAQ

Is it normal to be scared of being single in your 30s?

Yes. Pressure from friends, family and social media can make it feel urgent. The fear makes sense. The goal is to keep it from choosing your partner for you.

How do I stop settling because I'm afraid of being alone?

Build a life you don't want to leave: friends, purpose, routines and time alone that you actually enjoy. When being single stops feeling like an emergency, it gets much easier to walk away from the wrong fit.

How do I get comfortable being alone?

Practice on purpose. Make solo plans and keep them, invest in your friendships and take care of yourself for your own sake. It gets easier with practice.

Keep reading

If you're holding on to a maybe, read Stuck in a Situationship? →

And if you don't recognize yourself anymore, read Start With the Lipstick →