Start With the Lipstick: A Bottom-Up Way to Find Yourself Again

You don't recognize yourself.

You used to have opinions about your hair. You used to see your friends. You used to have a Tuesday that belonged to you.

Now most of your energy goes into one person. Whether he's happy. Whether he'll text. Whether this is finally working.

Or it's over, and you're left wondering who you were before all of it.

Someone tells you to find your purpose.

You can barely find your hairbrush.

The big questions can wait

What's your life's purpose? What are your limiting beliefs? What are your boundaries? How do you become radically authentic?

Those are good questions. Eventually, they matter a lot.

But when you're depleted, they can feel enormous. Like being asked to plan a marathon when you're just trying to stand up.

So I don't always start there.

I start somewhere small. Change something tangible. Give yourself one real experience of investing in yourself.

Then build upward.

What I mean by "bottom-up"

Quick clarification. There's a clinical approach in therapy also called "bottom-up." That's not what I'm talking about, and I'm not a therapist.

When I say bottom-up, I mean it literally, inside my own coaching framework. Start at the most concrete, everyday level of your life and build toward the bigger questions, instead of the other way around.

In Fix Your Picker, that everyday level is the Shield: the five areas of life that keep you strong enough to stay yourself while dating. Heart, Environment, Mind, Body and Beauty.

And I often start with the one people least expect.

Yes, I'm going to start with beauty

I can hear it already.

"Are you seriously telling women struggling in relationships to put on lipstick?"

Not exactly.

I'm telling you that you don't have to solve your childhood, find your life's purpose, master boundaries, decode your attachment style, leave your relationship, reinvent your career and reach enlightenment before you're allowed to invest attention back into yourself.

You can start incredibly small.

Maybe today it is lipstick.

Not because lipstick fixes anything.

Because for two minutes, you stopped managing someone else and turned your attention toward you.

Let me be very clear about what I don't mean. I don't mean:

• conforming to a beauty standard
• losing weight or getting thinner
• wearing makeup if you don't want to
• looking younger
• looking sexy for men
• buying expensive things
• dressing like an influencer
• getting "hot enough" that someone finally values you

That's not the argument. That's the trap.

What I mean is this. What's your aesthetic? How would you show up physically if you weren't constantly judging yourself through someone else's eyes? What makes you feel cared for? What makes you feel awake? What makes you look in the mirror and recognize yourself?

Beauty can be an act of attention.

The flower behind her ear

Here's an image I keep coming back to. It's a picture, not a history lesson.

A woman sees a delicate flower. She picks it up and tucks it behind her ear, simply because it's beautiful.

The flower doesn't make her more valuable. She already was.

She doesn't need anyone to compliment it.

She saw something beautiful and wanted to carry a little of it with her.

That's the kind of beauty I mean. Not performance. Play. Expression. Attention. Something you let yourself enjoy.

Your aesthetic is not a beauty standard

Your aesthetic is personal.

For one woman, it's bare skin, natural curls, oversized clothes and great jewelry.

For another, it's red lipstick, a blowout, heels and a dramatic eye.

For another, it's tattoos, sneakers, a shaved head and vintage everything.

The goal isn't to move toward one definition of attractive.

It's to close the gap between how you currently show up and how you actually enjoy expressing yourself.

Beauty for them vs. beauty for you

Beauty for validation sounds like:

• "Do they think I'm hot?"
• "Does he like this?"
• "Is this flattering enough?"
• "What will people think of this shirt?"

Beauty for yourself eventually sounds like:

• "Damn. I feel incredible."
• "This feels like me."
• "I like walking into a room this way."

I've had boyfriends tell me they liked the dress I didn't choose, so I'd change into it. I've had boyfriends ask if I was really going to wear that to the gym. I listened, because some part of me was scared that if I didn't perform his version of sexy, I'd lose him.

And with a stronger Shield, it can become: People would be lucky to know me.

Not because everyone will be attracted to you. They won't. Different people like different things.

The point is that your opinion of yourself stops getting renegotiated every time someone does or doesn't validate you.

If you're starting from a place of harsh self-talk, you don't need to jump straight to "I'm that bitch." That can come later.

Your first belief can be much smaller:

I deserve care. I'm worth ten minutes.

Change one variable

Think of yourself like an avatar in a video game.

You're not locked into today's settings.

Change one variable. A different part in your hair. Different earrings. A clip. Pigtails. A new lip color. An outfit combination you've never tried. A different scent.

Don't decide whether it's "the new you."

Just experiment. Click. Change. Notice.

Don't like it? Switch again tomorrow.

The experiment matters because it breaks rigidity. You find out who you are by doing something, not by endlessly analyzing yourself.

The $0 version

None of this requires money.

Sometimes the problem isn't needing more. It's learning to use what you have:

• Style your hair a new way.
• Rediscover the jewelry in your drawer.
• Wear clothes you own in a new combination.
• Use the perfume you've been saving for a "special occasion."
• Clean your shoes.
• Do your own nails.
• Put on pajamas you actually like.
• Make your bed.

I hired a stylist once. The biggest lesson wasn't "buy more clothes." I photographed what I already owned and learned new ways to wear it.

Same with a makeup artist. She didn't tell me to replace my collection. She taught me to use what I had differently.

Sometimes transformation isn't acquisition.

It's reinterpretation.

For me, part of that process was donating things — clothes that reminded me of a relationship, a gift he'd given me, even the cutting board we used to chop vegetables on together. It sounds small. It wasn't. Clearing out the objects that still held him let my own life actually move back in.

How beauty led me to my body

Here's how this played out for me.

I'd been thinner, doing workouts that kept me that way. But I personally wanted to be curvier and stronger. That was my preference for my body, not a rule for anyone else's.

I started noticing how I wanted my clothes to fit. That aesthetic observation pulled me toward my body. My body pulled me toward training and health.

So I hired a personal trainer.

Before that, gyms intimidated the fuck out of me. Everyone seemed to know what they were doing except me. I didn't know the machines. I didn't want to spend my whole workout staring at my phone trying to figure it out.

Training gave me structure, accountability and practice. The gym became familiar. And I got proof that I could walk into a place that used to scare me.

I gained weight, including muscle, and I was happier with how I looked. Because "improving your body" doesn't automatically mean shrinking it. The direction is yours.

One honest lesson: I committed to a long program too fast. If you're trying something new, test it first. Book one session, a trial or a shorter commitment before you make a big financial one.

That's the progression I see often: Beauty → Body → Mind → Environment → Heart.

It's not science, and it's not the right order for everyone. Heart, which is about alignment and whether your life reflects who you are and where you're going, is the most powerful area. It's also often the hardest place to start. Rate yourself honestly and begin wherever movement feels possible.

Make the relationship smaller and your life bigger

I also took beginner golf lessons.

Golf didn't heal a relationship.

That's exactly the point.

Walk into the room where you don't know anyone. Learn something you're bad at. Be a beginner again. Collect experiences that belong entirely to you.

We're not trying to get better at obsessing over the relationship.

We're trying to make the relationship smaller and your life bigger.

I think of it as moving from pond to lake to ocean. A stronger Shield opens up more places, friendships, interests and confidence in unfamiliar rooms. Yes, maybe more people to meet and evaluate too. But the goal isn't more dating options. It's a bigger life you get to curate.

The partner should fit within the life, not become the life.

One action becomes evidence

Don't try to transform your life today. Try one thing.

• "I feel unattractive." Style your hair differently.
• "I hate my body." Instead of punishing it, do one thing that lets you feel it move.
• "I have no life outside this relationship." Text one friend.
• "My space feels chaotic." Clear one surface.
• "I never do anything interesting." Find one beginner class.
• "I don't recognize myself." Change one variable.
• "I don't feel worth caring for." Do one deliberate act of care anyway.

One action becomes evidence.

Then another. Then another.

Want to know which part of your Shield to start with?

Book a free strategy call. It's a phone call where we talk about where your picker is right now and whether we're a good fit.

Book a free strategy call

Does your relationship leave room for you to expand?

A healthy partner isn't your personal development coach. It's not their job to build your Shield.

But here's a question worth asking:

Does this relationship leave room for me to expand, or does keeping it going keep requiring me to contract?

Contraction can look like:

• dropping friendships or hobbies
• neglecting sleep or health
• constantly monitoring his mood
• being afraid to state preferences
• changing how you look because of ongoing criticism or control
• shrinking your ambitions
• losing financial stability
• not being able to say no
• organizing your life around keeping things calm

This isn't a diagnosis of anyone. Every relationship has conflict, and two people can argue and still both grow.

The real question is whether you can get stronger and stay. If every step toward being healthier, more connected or more yourself creates pressure to get small again, that's information worth paying attention to.

From Shield to Sword

Once you've stacked up some small acts of self-investment, the bigger questions stop feeling so impossible:

What do I actually want? What won't I negotiate anymore? What kind of relationship fits the person I'm becoming? Can I say what I mean? Can I hear an answer I don't like? Can I walk away from something that doesn't fit?

That's the Sword, which is authenticity in action. Stop auditioning. Start evaluating. Read more about the Sword →

You just don't have to start there.

For the caretakers

A lot of us are extraordinary at caring for other people. We notice needs. We anticipate moods. We make things easier for everyone.

Caretaking isn't bad. Giving isn't bad. Love isn't bad.

The problem is abandoning yourself while you do it.

So what happens when you point some of that attention back at yourself?

That's how you build a life you don't abandon for a man.

Your worth was never the project

This is the most important part.

You don't become more valuable because you're prettier, thinner, fitter, richer, more successful, more desired or better at boundaries.

Your worth already exists. Full stop.

What changes is how you live. How you care for yourself. What you tolerate. What you build. How honestly you show up.

The Shield isn't how you become worthy.

It's how you start living as though your life is worth investing in.

So start small. Change one variable.

It's not you. It's your picker.

FAQ

How do I find myself again after a relationship?

Start smaller than you think. Pick one concrete action, like changing how you style your hair, texting a friend or trying a beginner class. Repeat it. Small acts of self-investment build the energy for bigger questions like what you want and what you'll accept.

Is a glow-up after a breakup healthy?

It depends on who it's for. A glow-up to make him regret it keeps him at the center. A glow-up that reconnects you with your own style, body and life puts you back at the center. Same actions, very different outcome.

Keep reading

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